Over the years, by talking with other couples and from our own experiences, I’ve discovered that there are a few conversations every couple should have not just before getting married, but also before even getting engaged.
Although I’ve been married for 10 plus years now, I can still remember when my hubby, Eric, and I were just dating. We were so young and excited about the future. Getting engaged and then getting married was a very exciting time in our lives.
Now we talk with and enjoy spending time with couples in the same boat as we were all those years ago. Transitioning from single life to married life is not only exciting, but it is also life-changing.
Because once the ring is purchased, the date is set, and you have said yes to the dress, the focus is often more on the wedding day than the marriage thereafter. So here are five things every couple should talk about before getting engaged. (And a few things even some of us married women may need to revisit with our hubby’s ?)
1) Have A Conversation About Faith
Your faith is not only an important part of you. It will also be very important part of your marriage and how you will raise any children you may have. You both may be at very different points in your faith walk, but you should be walking towards the same God.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.
2 Corinthians 6:14a (ESV)
You have to talk about not only your faith and beliefs, but how dedicated are you to them. Is going to church important to you? How often do you think you should go to church? How do you feel about serving in your church? What does your prayer life look like? Do you pray together now? And if not, why and how can you start?
I know there are many couples that have successful marriages that do not share the same faith. Yet at one point or another that will cause some issues. I could not imagine going to church on Sunday without Eric or every night praying alone. There are so many storms in life that we all will experience, having that solid foundation of you, your future husband, and God is so important to help you get through them.
2) Before Getting Married Talk About Family Boundaries
As much as we love our families and how important those relationships are to us, getting married changes the dynamics of those relationships. The Bible makes it clear that we are to become one in marriage.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
At first, this is very hard, but if you talk about these changes early and the boundaries you want in your marriage, it will help you to be on one accord. It could be something as simple as making sure everyone calls, especially your parents, before coming over. There are two boundaries that we set up early in my own marriage that has helped us in so many ways and recommended to all married couples.
The first one is that we never lend or give money to any family members, or anyone, without talking to each other first. It does not matter the amount, unless it comes from our own personal allowance. Lending or giving money to family can be a sticky situation. You need to make sure you both are on the same page before agreeing to do so.
Another boundary we have is whenever there is an issue or situation that arises between a family member and either of us, the member of that family has to address. For example, if I am having an issue with my mother-in-law, who I love by the way ?, I do not address my issue with her. I talk to my husband about it, then he addresses it and vice versa. You want to have the best relationships we can with our in-laws and this helps to do just that.
3) Before Getting Engaged Talk About Money
Now money is a hot topic for us all, but especially in marriage. So you have to talk about how you will handle your finances as a couple. It should not be his and yours, but it should be ours.
“a man leave his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”
Matthew 19:5-6 (NLT)
Nothing should separate you, including your money. However, in order for that to be the case, you have to talk about it. How you steward your money now, can greatly affect how you will manage after you get married. Along with how you will manage your money, you also have to talk about how you will make money. Do you want to eventually become a stay at home mom, SAHM, once you have kids? If so, how does your future husband feel about it and how will that work for your family?
I remember telling Eric that I eventually want to become a SAHM, but we never really talked about it or planned for it. So when I made the decision to stop working it was rough at first because we were not prepared. Our marriage suffered for a while because of it. So do not make the same mistake I did, talk about it now.
4) Before Getting Married Talk About Goals
Having individual goals is so important, but I think having goals for marriage is even more important. You cannot be working towards the same goals if you have never sat down to talk about what those are.
Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?
Amons 3:3 (NLT)
Where do you see yourselves in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? What does work-life balance mean to you? All things you want to not only talk about before getting engaged, but to continue talking about for years to come. You also want to not just talk about them, but you want to write them down and even have a visual representation of the vision and goals you have. Vision boards are great visual tool reminders, both for your marriage and potentially family to come. Teamwork definitely makes the dream work!
5) Have A Conversation About Goals Expectations
We all have expectations. Such expectations of how our marriage should be and how your future husbands should treat us. Having expectations is fine. It is when we do not talk about those expectations and hold others accountable to unspoken expectations that it can start to cause problems. By talking about your expectations you can get a realistic look at how your marriage will truly look, not just the way you think it should look.
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Philippians 2:2 (NLT)
Every marriage, like the people in it, is very unique. Your marriage will not look like your parents or anyone else you know and that’s one of the beautiful things about marriage. By talking about your expectations, you can both see which ones are realistic and which ones are not. You can also see where compromises can be made. Everything will not be a win-win, but learning how to compromise early is never a bad thing.
Getting married is a big step in a relationship. Taking the time to talk about important things before getting engaged would help you to focus more on the marriage you want to have than just the wedding day. Talking about your faith, family boundaries, money, goals, and expectations will help you to really see if planning a wedding is really even in your future and best interest.
Because if you ask any person who has been married more than a day, what happens after the wedding day is always more important than anything that happened on that day.
If are on your way to getting engaged or walking down the aisle, I’d love to hear if these are things you have already talked about; And if you are already married, what advice would you give to someone considering getting engaged
in the comments!
I think expectations are so important to talk about! So often we have different ideas of what husbands and wives are supposed to do and be.
The family boundaries thing… it’s so real. We had a few bumps in the road because of it. Fortunately, faith in Jesus helped us to overcome. These are very essential talking points. Love this post.
Thanks so much, Candy, and you are definitely not alone. Ove the last 10 years, we’ve had quite a few bumps as well when dealing with family and boundaries. Trusting God with our relationships, especially our family relationships, is so important in marriage.
These are imperative during an engagement but should also be revisited during marriage!!
I think you have covered all the most important things. Pretty much everything can go into one of these categories. Well written!
Thanks so much, Amanda. And making sure we cover the major topics before saying “Yes!” is so important.
All of these are so necessary to talk about before getting married, especially finances. I’ve seen so many couples struggle with this area because they are too afraid to talk about it.
So true, Theresa. Being afraid to talk about something doesn’t make it go away, it just lets the problem grow. Talking about money and finances early and often can help to prevent many arguments, and for some even divorce.
These are great, even for people who’ve been married for a bit!
It’s so important to be open in regards to your goals and expectations — these are such important parts of the foundation of a good relationship.
These are all so important and issues that usually issues that lead to divorce so getting ahead on these makes such a difference! Great post!!
So true, Jehava. Starting your marriage with a firm foundation and on the same page about important issues is so important to a healthy marriage. ?
Yes! I absolutely agree with everything in this post. My husband and I just got married and while we discussed some of those points, we didnt discuss some of them thoroughly enough and we then had to address it around our wedding. Now that we are all on the same page we are doing so much better.
These are great pieces of advie for couples about to be engaged. What a great resource this is for people! I agree, these are so important for the foundation of a strong marriage.
These are such important topics to discuss before marriage but of course younge love can sometimes cloud our judgement! This is a really wonderful post and something I’ll save for later to look back on! Thank you for this!
These are some great points and reminders! We have been married for almost 8 years and still need to talk about Family boundaries on the regular 🙂 lol
You are definitely not alone, Amanda. Dealing with family and boundaries seems to be like something we all have to continue to address throughout marriage.
Yes! I agree with this 100%! It’s so important to have the big discussions before the Big Day
Yes, Jenny! YOu never want to start off your marriage needing to addressing things you should have discussed before hand.
This is great advice! My husband and I did marriage counseling with our pastor before we tied the knot and it was a great change to talk about a lot of these things!
That’s awesome, Liz! Having a trusted third party there will you to help guide and direct you is such a blessing.
These are all such important things to discuss! I think so often people forget to discuss important topics like this in the joy of wedding planning.
They certainly do, Vicki. And although planning a wedding is very exciting, planning to set yourself up for a joyful and healthy marriage is even more. ?
Wonderful advice! It is so important to dig into the big issues before making such a major leap. Also, I think it’s good to check in with these questions regularly after marriage, since we are always growing both personally and as a couple.
So true, Paula. As we grow and change as people, we need to make sure we are still doing so together as a couple. ?
I think all of this is important before getting engaged/married BUT these ideas should be revisited often in a marriage.
I totally agree, Harmony. Keeping the lines of communication open in marriage is necessary for a healthy marriage. ?
All great points! Not easy talking topics, but they are important!
Thanks, Leslie. And they are definitely not easy to talk about, but a must. ?
The unequally yoked thing!!!! I was JUST telling my friend about this and have seen the devastating consequences of marrying outside your faith (or a nonbeliever). I can’t imagine going through life knowing my husband wouldn’t be joining me in paradise someday! It is one of my greatest comforts!
Mariah
This is really good advice! Alot of people probably don’t think of things like this. The only thing is though that alot can change when your family grows, which you can’t always envisage beforehand. But it is great to have considered as much as possible.
That is definitely true, Katie. As we grow and as our families grow, things will change. Yet if we start our marriage on a firm foundation and on the same page we can endure all those changes together with God’s help.?
Excellent post, Ayanna! I’ve known several young brides so caught up planning the wedding day they forgot to plan for the marriage. Pinning this!
Great advice. If you’ve talked about these things BEFORE marriage you ensure you are on the same page and can avoid a lot of future arguments.
This is SO true SO important! My husband and I actually talked about all of these on our first date haha – we were freakishly on the same page which made continuing our relationship so much easier and more meaningful as we were looking in the same direction. Couldn’t agree with you more!