Getting married and becoming a wife is one of the most exciting and often scary things you can do. It is so much you are looking forward to and so much that is also unknown. If you would ask anyone who has been married for a while there are always things they wish they knew before getting married.
Things they wish they could have been better prepared for if they had known the questions to ask. Or wish they had spent more planning their marriage than the wedding. Both are so common and can have such a profound effect on your marriage for years to come. I know because I am one of those people who did not focus on doing either.
Before saying ‘I Do’ and even before getting engaged, I did not spend a lot of time thinking about or working towards what it meant to be a wife. I personally did not have any good wife or marriage role models to look up to. What it would take to have a healthy and God-centered marriage was foreign to me.
I started off looking at all the things I did not want my marriage to be. Without looking at and working towards all the things that it could be. I knew I did not want a marriage filled with arguments and constant tension. However, I did not initially look for ways to have good communication with my husband.
I knew I did not want a marriage filled with constant worries about money. However, I was not intentional about talking about money and finances with my husband. We were both just focused on making money, so it appeared to not be an issue. Not the best way to approach money and marriage we quickly found out.
Now when I look back, there are five things I wish I knew before getting married. Things that would have helped us focus on the right things and start building a strong foundation for our marriage earlier. Things that I know will help you as well.
Before Getting Married Talk About Expectations
In life and in relationships, we all have expectations. Things we want and anticipate to happen. Marriage is no exception. Often we come into a marriage with more expectations than we realize. While there is nothing wrong with having expectations, I actually believe that they can help you to have a strong and growing marriage.
With expectations, we often have something to strive towards. Encouraging us to do whatever is in our power to help those expectations to be met. The problem comes when your expectations are either unstated or unrealistic.
This is why in marriage it is so important to make sure you talk about expectations early and often. You talk early because you need to see if your expectations are aligned and if they are realistic enough for you to achieve them.
For example, my husband travels a lot for work. So there are many things that he is not around to help with at home and with our daughters.
Before getting married I had an expectation of having a husband who helped out around the house. Which was met early in our marriage. However, as his career started to grow and so did our family, this unstated expectation was no longer being met and became unrealistic.
There were times when I would get frustrated and upset with him unfairly. My expectations were not being met not because he did not want to, but because he no longer could. It was not until we had another conversation about expectations around our household responsibilities and how they needed to change that we were able to get back on the same page.
What are your expectations of your husband or husband-to-be? As a man, husband, and potentially a father? Do you know what his expectations are of you? As a woman, wife, and potentially a mother? These are not things that you should assume or be unaware of. That is why it is so important for you to talk early and often about expectations before and after getting married.
Before Saying “I Do!” Make A Marriage Vision Board
When you are preparing for your wedding, you have a vision of what you want that day to look like and how you want everyone to feel who attends. Yet, often we stop right there. Not thinking that not only does your wedding need to have a vision, but your marriage does as well.
Write the vision
make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.
Habakkuk 2:2 (ESV)
Every marriage is as unique as the two of you in it. So making sure that you are both on the same page about what you want your marriage to look like and how you want to feel in your marriage is key.
A great way to do that is to create a marriage vision board.
It allows you to have a visual reminder of what you both will be working towards daily to have the marriage of your dreams.
Having a marriage vision board will also help you during the hard times. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. It is during the downs that you often need encouragement and reminders of what really matters. Your marriage vision can help you do that as well.
I wish my husband and I would have created ours earlier than we did. For years, we had ideas of what we wanted our marriage to be. However, finally taking the time to sit down and dream out loud was a game-changer for us. It was not only fun, but it allowed us to see what we really needed to focus on and how to encourage each other along the way.
Over the years we have updated our vision board and I encourage you to as well. Having it as something to look to both during the ups and the downs is a must.
Before Getting Married Set Wife Goals
Having goals and a vision for your marriage is great and so are having wife goals. Goals that you set for yourself that help you to be intentional and grow as a wife.
One goal most of us make is to be a good wife. Yet, what does that actually mean? And how to do that exactly?
Having specific goals as a wife is important for you to be the wife God created you to be for the husband you were blessed with. The things that make you uniquely beautiful and suited for your husband need to be cultivated and nurtured.
Whether that is you investing in self-care so you feel like the confidently beautiful woman you are. Or making sure you are committed to reading and learning different things about marriage so you can better invest in your own. Or even taking your wife to the next level by investing in a wife coach.
No matter how big or small, setting goals as a wife is a must because they help to make sure you are investing in yourself and your marriage. A win-win. It is also something you can start working on before you getting married and update over the years.
Setting Boundaries Are A Must Before Saying ‘I Do!’
In every relationship, boundaries are a must and marriage is no different. In marriage, it may be even more important. Things are no longer just about you, they are now about both of you.
The places you go, the things you do, and the people you have relationships with can affect your marriage in either positive or negative ways. This is why it is so important that you and your husband talk about and start to set boundaries before getting married and revisit them over the years.
The type of boundaries you set are totally up to you. Over the years my husband and I set boundaries with our family and how much we involve them in our marriage. We have boundaries with friends, especially with friends of the opposite sex. We have boundaries about the types of places we will and will not go. A list can go on and on, sp focus on what is most important.
Boundaries are less about preventing you from doing, going, or being with certain people. They are more about protecting and respecting your marriage.
Stay alert; be in prayer so you don’t wander into temptation without even knowing you’re in danger.
Matthew 26:41 (MSG)
Having Real Money Talks Are A Must Before Getting Married
Now I could not talk about marriage and the lessons I have learned over the years without talking about money. Not because money should be your focus in marriage, but because it is something that affects every marriage in many ways.
From the type of wedding you have, the car you drive, the house you live in, the vacations you take, and the list goes on and on. All of these things and so many more are directly affected by money. Affected not just by the amount of money you have, but your views on money and how you use it.
This is why it is important that both before and after getting married you have honest, open, and ongoing conversations about money. Helping you both to understand your views on money. Who is a spender and who is a saver? While helping you both manage your finances well together.
Money is simply a tool. So knowing how you view it, how you want to use it, and how you want to manage it together is a must in marriage.
It is just so much you do not know when you are getting married. So many things you have yet to discover both about your spouse and yourself. Yet, even with the unknowns, there are some basic things that are essential for you to know before getting married.
So that when you do say ‘I do’ and become a wife you are doing so with your eyes open and putting your best foot forward.
I’d love to know one thing you want to know or wish you knew before becoming a wife in the comments!
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