Have you ever wondered what you can do to protect your marriage? Or what can you do to ensure that you have and maintain a healthy and strong marriage? Well, you are not alone. As wives, we want not only to be the best wives that we can, but to also have the best marriages we can.
You already know the secret to a healthy and happy marriage, now you just want to make sure you keep it that way. You know it takes God, prayer, and work. But what else? That what else is boundaries.
Every relationship, especially your marriage, needs boundaries. Boundaries in marriage are not to restrict or stifle your marriage, but to protect, nurture, and keep it strong.
There are three boundaries every marriage needs.
The First Boundary Is Words You Will Not Use
Words kill, words give life: they’re either poison or fruit- you choose.
Proverbs 18:21 (MSG)
Words have power and we get to choose how we use that power. So it important that one of the boundaries in marriage is to decide which words you will not use in your relationship, especially in the heat of an argument or out of anger.
For my husband, Eric, and I, there are a few words we will not use. One of them is divorce. We are committed to ’til death do us part’. Marriage is not a contract, but a covenant. So it’s important that we do not get so comfortable with the word divorce that it is always a viable option.
Now let me say, I know that in certain situations talking about divorce may be necessary, yet we have to choose that using the word casually or seeking a divorce is not our first option.
As wives, it is also important that we are using our words to build up our husbands and our marriages, and not to tear them down. Not only in what we say, but how we say things. Knowing that is not just what you say, but how you say it can do wonders for your marriage.
This is a lesson that it took me a while to learn and something that I still have to work on. My mouth can often work faster than my brain, so I have to be mindful and intentional about my words and the tone I use. Making sure to both maintain the boundary of the words we will not use, while also being mindful of how our tone may be received.
Something that is not always easy and I often have to ask for grace and forgiveness for. Yet, committing to working on taming your tongue is so important.
Another Marriage Boundary Is The Places You Will Or Will Not Go
We are only human and temptation is real. Making it important that one of the boundaries in marriage is deciding the places you will or will not go.
Stay alert; be in prayer so you don’t wander into temptation without even knowing you’re in danger.
Matthew 26:41 (MSG)
Defining the places you will or will not go is something that can be very unique to each individual and marriage.
For example, my husband travels a lot for work. So he often does a lot of socializing and networking after normal work hours. Yet, we have boundaries for where he will and will not go.
Going to a restaurant or lounge area in the hotel with a group of his colleagues is fine for us. Yet going out to a night club does not work for us. This helps us to maintain respectable boundaries for our marriage and for him professionally.
You never want to put yourself or your marriage in a situation that is questionable by being somewhere you should not be.
The Third Boundary Is The People You Will Or Will Not Hang Out With
Now, this may sound harsh, but you cannot be friends or hang out with everyone. This applies to friends and family too. Making it important that one of the boundaries in marriage is deciding the people you will or will not hang out with.
Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.
1 Corinthians 15:33 (NLT)
You want to surround yourself and your marriage with people that love, support, and encourage you. People that push you to be a better wife, a better mom, and a better person.
So if you discover there are people in your life that either directly or subtly try to tear you down or your husband. Or when you are with them they put you in or invite you into potentially compromising positions. These are people you may have to draw those boundary lines with.
Does this mean that you have to stop being friends with or speaking to them? No. It just means you have to be mindful of the amount of time and interactions with them.
Not all friendships are meant for a lifetime, some only for a season. Distancing yourself from friends or family is not easy, but can be necessary for the health and well-being of your marriage.
There are lines we all must draw in our marriages that are agreed upon by both you and your husband. Boundaries needed in the words we use, the places we go, and the people you hang out with. Boundaries we need to maintain the healthy and strong marriages we all want.
I’d love to know what boundaries you feel are necessary for your marriage in the comments!
This is so good. I’m sharing it with my followers on FB.
Thank you so much, Shayla! I hope they love it too. đź’•
Lots of wisdom here Ayanna. I’ve found myself putting all three of these into play over time to avoid so much confusion within the marriage. A lot of unnecessary drama comes into play when boundaries are not in place. Not everyone cares about seeing my marriage intact. Thanks for these!
Having guidelines agreed upon by both parties is so important. I really like yours. The ‘d’ word is something that never comes up in our marriage – never. I am not sure how some people can throw that word around so easily. Not good at all. I’ve always been a believer as well that when you say your marriage vows you really mean them. If people aren’t sure if they can stick to these sacred vows they shouldn’t get married. Saying that there are a lot of peaks an valleys in a relationship to being on the same page about core values is a life saver. Great post!
Thank you so much, Yolanda, and I am with you. Marriage should be a “death til’ you part” covenant. My husband and I had had many conversations before getting married to make sure we were both totally committed to going through the peaks and valleys of married life together.
I was attracted to read your blog post just because of the title. Great advice! Such practical and sensible boundaries, properly implemented, should make a big difference in our relationships. On that third one, my hubby and I actually had to disassociate from his oldest sister, an extremely toxic person, a couple years ago, because she seemed to be on a mission to destroy us personally and destroy our relationship. It’s unfortunate, but it was necessary for our health and well being!
Thank you so much for your kinds words, K. Having to draw those boundaries lines with family is so hard, I know. Sometimes all we can do is love people from afar for our well-being.
Great boundaries! I think another factor in who you spend time with is how often you spend time with others- my husband and I are both people pleasers and have had to learn to set boundaries with family in order to prioritize our marriage. It’s hard but so worth it.
That’s a great reminder, Kelsey. Making sure to put those boundaries on how you spend your time is so important.
This isn’t really a boundary but we always consult each other before making a purchase. Even if it’s just giving the other person a heads up or telling each other that we ordered something online. We try to keep each other in the loop about our finances.
That is awesome, Courtney, and definitely a boundary. It’s a financial boundary you have set up to keep you both accountable and stewarding well together.
Words are powerful and dangerous. I 100% agree with all of these boundaries. We keep communication open by telling each other where we’re going, what we’re doing, or who we’re seeing if we’re not going together. It never feels stifling because we do it out of love and respect, not fear of repercussion if we don’t say something.
I agree with all of your points! My husband and I have a very similar list; a fourth boundary we have is NOT spending time with someone of the opposite sex alone (who isn’t family). We look at many situations and say we’d never succumb to that, but it never starts as the end that we see. It’s all the small—what we consider harmless—steps and decisions that lead us into that compromising behavior.
That is a good boundary as well, Ashley, and you are correct. Things often never start out how things end up.
These are good guidelines. I think the third point is one of the most important, but I’d add that I think making sure you surround yourself with ‘marriage friendly’ people and support systems. If you are around couples or individuals that support strong, healthy marriages then when things get tough they will be able to offer support and encouragement towards the marriage.
All trustworthy and proactive ideas to protect a marriage. My husband and I have an understanding that we don’t text or email someone of the opposite sex w/o cc’ing either their spouse or ours…or we have a conversation before the communication goes out to ensure the other one of us is aware and agrees. We also decided to never use the “d” (divorce) word as a weapon. Both decisions have been good ones for us. Loved visiting and am pinning this one on my marriage board.
Some great thoughts here! I agree with all three of these! We follow all of these listed. One we have is to never complain or talk bad about the other to anyone but especially family members.
I totally agree with you on this, especially words to not use. It’s impossible to take back what is said… so what is said needs to be done thoughtfully. Thank you for this reminder.
good boundaries indeed. sometimes friends before marriage can’t be kept after.
Boundary #1: The words that you will not use.
This really spoke to me as there are certain words, if we want a healthy relationship that we should just not, use. Thank you!
I actually agree that those 3 are the pillars of a good relationship and those are the rules I follow in my marriage as well.
Expect that we never verbalized the places the other couldn´t go, we trust each other´s common sense on that one and we never did wrong by the other.
Thanks for sharing!