I would like to say that my husband and I never argue or get our wires crossed, but just like in every marriage, that is just not true. There are times when disagreements are started by a misunderstanding or a difference of option.
You know those times when you say to your husband, “Babe, did you…?” and he replies, “No”. Something as simple as this can get you involved in an argument if not handled correctly.
Communication in marriage is key and something that we must work on all the time. Everyone communicates differently, but there is one thing that I have learned that rings true in almost every marriage. That is it is not always what you say, but how you say it.
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV)
Because of our intimate connections and familiarity with our husbands, it is easy for us to say things that we would not say to others.
I have often found myself unintentionally saying something to Eric in such a way that can be hurtful or argumentative because I did not think before I spoke. This is not something that I am proud of, yet I feel that in order for me to change it and to grow beyond it, I have to admit it. I know I am not alone in this.
I know you have said things that the second they come out of your mouth, you wish they hadn’t. You may have meant what you said; you just wish you could have said it differently.
So we are going to take the simple question like, “Babe, did you take out the trash?” which we have all probably said to our husbands a thousand times and see how potentially changing the question, your reply to the response, or your tone can make a big difference in how you communicate in your marriage.
Changing the Question
One thing I have come to know about men is that they usually only answer the question asked or do the one thing you specifically asked. Most men do not multitask very well at home.
I’m still trying to figure out how my husband, Eric, seems to multitask at work so well, yet at home rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher are mutually exclusive. But anyway, I digress.
Asking your husband, “Did you take out the trash?” and getting the answer, “No” with nothing that follows it has probably caused you to get more attitudes than you care to admit. One thing I have started to do with questions like this was to change the question, so I would get a different response.
One thing we can do to combat this reaction to questions like this is to change the question, so we can get a different response. So now we can ask, “Did you remember to…?” This may seem like something so simple, yet the change in response can be huge.
Now instead of getting just a “No” we can get, “No, I’m sorry I forgot or I do not remember you asking me to. But, I’ll do it now.” With this response, there is no reason for us to get an attitude or for an argument to ensue.
Changing Your Response
This is also one of the things tied to how men usually only answer the question asked. So when we ask a question and get a response we do not like, following up the question with ‘Why not?’ is not always the best response.
A lot of the times it’s not the best response because regardless of the reason given, it will not be good enough. For example, if after your husband responds ‘No’ to taking out the trash and you ask ‘Why not?’, then what answer is good enough. What answer is going to make you think ‘Ok, that’s fine’ and you just move on? None!
So instead of following up with ‘Why?’ try to follow up with rephrasing your initial question and be done. Saying, “Ok, well can you take the trash? That would be really helpful”.
This way we are not being argumentative and still getting what we need to be done. There are many times when asking the question ‘Why?’ is necessary for understanding and clarification, just not all the time
Changing Your Tone
This is one that has been big for me. There are times when I can say things in such a way that it can cut deep according to Eric. Then regardless of what I actually said, it puts him on the defense. I know you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Just like we can talk in that ‘mom voice’ to our kids, we can get what I call ‘tone’ with our husbands as well. When using this tone I also sometimes ask questions that are not really questions because I already know the answer. I’m either speaking out of frustration or irritation and that can quickly lead to an argument.
For example, asking your husband did they take out the trash when you are looking at the full trashcan. Furthermore, because you are looking at the full trash can, the question has a whole lot of tone attached to it when you say it. Then the second your husband replies “No” with a little tone added to it in response to yours, an argument usually is not too far behind.
So remembering to always think before you speak is so important. Especially when you may be frustrated or irritated. Because it is not always what you say, but how you say it.
This has been such a big thing in my house that now all Eric or I need to say is ‘tone’ when we’re talking and the other knows they need to take a second to rethink what they said. This way things are not taken in the wrong way and prevent many arguments from even starting.
Choosing Your Words Carefully
Working to better communicate in our marriages is something that we can all do. Whether that is rephrasing the questions or comments we make. Tailoring our responses to fit the questions we really want to be answered. Or thinking before we speak to make sure we are not adding any unnecessary tone to our words.
Communication in marriage is key. Realizing that it is not always what we say, but how we say it as well can make a world of difference.
I’d love to hear what tips you have that help you better communicate
in your marriage in the comments!
I know one lady that everything she says comes out wrong. Always insulting and rude and then say sorry if this hurts you. Kidding me she does it on purpose. Stop and think people.
That’s sad, Candy, because she is not the only one. It is true that the truth can hurt, but how you say that truth is so important. Also, not everything that is true needs to be said. This is something that I have had to and continue to learn.
Lots of wisdome here! But I have to respond to this: “rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher are mutually exclusive” No matter how often dishes are taken out of the dishwasher dirty (after a wash cycle), there is still someone in my house who clings to the fantasy dishes do not need to be rinsed prior at all. So I’m jealous you have a “rinser”. 😂
This is great! I have moments like this with my husband and it turns into us both explaining what we meant and making a bigger deal out of things than it should be.
I agree! My husband and I get into arguments only because of how we say things sometimes. Then we look back and we’re like, oh man. LOL
This is so true. Such great advice. I also try to make sure I always thank him for the little things (especially the ones I didn’t have to ask for). I try to show my appreciation as much as possible.
Showing appreciation, even for the small things, is so important, Alexandra. I need to start doing this more myself.
So true! Our tone can set the conversation in the right course.
So true, Jolene. And in my case, our tone can also send the conversation in the wrong direction. ?
I always have to be careful not to say things that put him on the defensive…I try to think through my wording before saying it, cause I don’t want him to think I’m attacking him.
LOVE your family pic <3
That is awesome that you do that, Liz. That is something that I’ve had to learn, the hard way ?, and have to work on constantly. Our words have so much more power than we realize at times. And thanks. ?
This is a great post. Me and my hubby have the same stages too. He, or I, can be triggered by the way a question is formed. It also trickles down with my oldest. He needs lots of encouragement and context. Your post puts some great things to think about.
This is SO true and really makes you think twice about what you say and how you act. Thanks for sharing!!
Changing the tone was a big one for me to change. It was hard to do but so glad I did because it changed my husband’s tone too. It changes a conversation immediately. Beautiful post!!
I believe the greatest advice I received is to realize that my husband is not the enemy! That gives me so much perspective in our 12 years of marriage so far? Thank you for your practical communication tips?
Words I needed to read. I’m always quick to pick a fight, unintentionally, with my words and responses. Thank you for reminding me to think before I speak.
Your website is so lovely, and your family is gorgeous! Great post- all these are applicable to me, and changing our tone is a big one for me too. will be taking these baby steps to communicate better in my marriage.
Visiting from Grace Bloggers.
Sue
It’s so true. I appreciate the proverb too!
I really loved reading this I hate to admit it but I suck at communicating with my mom and this could be really helpful for me thank you!!!!
This is so true! I have been trying to watch my tone of voice when talking to my husband and kids (or anyone)! It really hit home when one of my kids though I was made at them simply because of the tone of voice I used when answering their question.
I agree with you. Anything can be said in nice respectable way and the same thing can be said in a nasty way. I always chose to articulate my point in a way that does not offend anyone.
My hubs and I have really been practicing communication lately and it has lead to a lot less scuffles. If more people knew what you have written down, then their relationships could be just a little bit better.
Great points raised. Loved it. Will definitely be working on the way I question and the tone I use. Certainly quilts if these too. Thank you for addressing this issue and for being for building up our marriages. Love your heart.
Yes this is so great! I have learned over the years so many ways to change up my words in a way that is kind and more appreciative in asking a question or bringing up a subject to discuss. The tone makes a big difference and just taking the time to think before speaking.
Yes changing my tone is something I have been working real hard on. Remembering to think before I speak is SO important.
So true. Thanks for sharing these tips on how to better communicate.
This is great. It really is all in how you say things. Little things can,cause big arguments if someone has a bad tone or an attitude. I know this all too well.
I agree that men do not multitask very well. I’ve known that for the past few years and sometimes it still gets to me. I usually just ignore when he frustrates me with something he did not do because I only told him to do one thing instead of starting a fight.
Belle