Becoming one in marriage is no easy feat. You both have different wants, needs, and perspectives. Then even if you get a handle on those things and are finding ways to make it work, that is only the beginning. When you get married, it is not only about the coming together of two people. It is also about the coming together of two families.
As much as we wish our families did not factor into our marriages, they do. Having healthy relationships with not only your family, but your husband’s family is so important to your marriage. With a little effort and these four tips, you can make sure your in-laws don’t become outlaws.
Tip #1: Treat Your In-Laws Like You Treat Your Parents
Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God commanded you. Then you will live a long, full life in the land in the Lord your God is giving you.
Deuteronomy 5:16 (NLT)
We are supposed to honor and respect our own parents, and the same should go for our husbands’ parents. I understand that not everyone has the best relationship with their own parents. Having healthy adult relationships with our own parents is not always easy but we have to put in the effort to do our part. If we always come from a place of honor and respect when dealing with our in-laws it helps to maintain a good and healthy relationship.
I happen to call my husband’s parents mom and dad. I have since Eric and I were dating. For me, this started for two reasons. First, because Mr. or Mrs. was just too formal for me. And second, because it reminded me to treat them as I would my own parents.
Tip #2: Establish Boundaries Early
This is a big one for all relationships. This is especially true with your in-laws. No one wants to feel like someone other than their spouse is always in the middle of their marriage or always causing conflict. The two most important things about the boundaries you set are that you and your husband both agree on them and stick to them. The boundaries you set are completely up to you.
For example, if you happen to live close to your in-laws you may want them to always call and make sure it is okay before they come over. One of the boundaries we have is if my in-laws want to buy a big-ticket item for our girls, they always check with us first. Boundaries are for necessary for the health and protection of not just your relationship with your in-laws, but also your marriage.
Tip #3: Do Not Over Share
He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from troubles.
Proverbs 21:23 (AMPC)
Sharing may mean caring in a lot of instances, but when it comes to talking about things that go on in your marriage this is not the case. You want to be both open and honest with your parents and your in-laws, but some things should be kept just between you and your husband. This is really important because although we may forgive and forget easily, that may not be the case for your in-laws or your parents.
Tip #4: Let Your Husband Deal With Any Conflict You Have With Your In-Laws & Vice Versa
Despite how much you honor and respect your in-laws and work on ways to foster healthy relationships with them, conflicts will arise. We are all human. We may unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings or get our feelings hurt. This happens in our marriages and will happen with our in-laws.
One thing that I have found that has made dealing with conflict a lot easier and has made sure my in-laws don’t become outlaws is to have the child of the parent address any issues or conflicts with them. So for example, if I am having a conflict or issue with my in-laws, Eric talks with them about it not me. This helps to prevent the situation from escalating and sends a semi-neutral party to resolve it.
Marriage can be hard enough without adding our in-laws into the mix. Yet, with these four tips, we can all make sure not only do we have good and healthy relationships with our in-laws, we can make sure our in-laws don’t become outlaws.
I’d love to hear any tips you have about having healthy relationships and
dealing with your in-laws in the comments!
May I make a comment on behalf of the “in-laws?” Generally speaking, we are not monsters out to destroy our children’s marriages. We want nothing more than to love our in-law children if given the chance. Remember, we have/had in-law parents to deal with as well so we get it. Sometimes though the problem doesn’t lie with the parent but with you. I have multiple children and have wonderful relationships with all but one family who incidentally has problems with the siblings too. Being able to visit them is like trying to get to see the president. And before you think we visit often, we live in a different state than all our children and so if we’re lucky we get to see them once, maybe twice a year. I tried to talk to this couple about it and was told their immediate family takes precedence and we and the siblings are not immediate family. All I’m trying to say is, if there are problems, look in the mirror too.
Whew. I’m gone have to chew on this for a bit. Great post!
Oh man, I SO needed this post. Such great tips. It can be so hard to deal with, especially when you don’t agree with how they do things!
I love these tips. It can be difficult to navigate the in-law relationship but I’ve found that boundaries and having my husband handle conflicts are very helpful!
Thanks, Melissa, and I’m glad you found things that work for your relationship. Both of these have been huge for us as well. ?
This is great advice! I feel like at times it’s easier said than done. Still trying but definitely abiding by tip #4. A great topic and a good reminder for me.
Thanks so much, Jasper, and you are definitely not alone. Managing any relationship, especially those with our in-laws, definitely takes a lot of work. And there are times when I struggle with #4 myself, but I have to remember the reason my hubby and I decided to have that boundary in our marriage.
I have been avoiding reading this post for a very obvious reason! But yes, as usual, I agree whole-heartedly with every aspect of this! I particularly love letting the child of the parent deal with the conflict. I’ve always held grudges and just waited till I forgot. But it builds up every time a new conflict arises. What a great way of resolving issues!
Dealing with out in-laws can definitely be a touchy subject. I have held on to grudges unnecessarily myself more than a few times, Lisa. I hope that with these tips, prayer, and working with your hubby your relationship with your in-laws will be like never before. ?
Hi there!
I love this thank you so much for posting it. Will definitely keep these in mind, great way to point things out.
Hey Jess, thanks so much for stopping by and I’m so glad this spoke to you. I hope that you won’t be a stranger. ?
I love this post! All good tips, especially #4!
Thanks, Nancy, and #4 for is definitely something that has saved us from a lot of unnecessary additional conflict. ?
I love this post! I do not yet have my own in-laws, but I can see the importance of developing a relationship with them the right way based off of my parents’ lives!
Thanks, Samantha, and developing a healthy relationship from the beginning is so important. It is a lot easier to build a great relationship than to repair a bad one. ?
Ayanna! These are 3 really great thoughts on building a relationship with in-laws. It is so important and delicate at the same time! xo~D
Thanks, D. Being mindful of how delicate our relationships with our in-laws can be is so important. Building a good and healthy relationship is not always easy, but worth the effort. ?
I love reading your advice! My in-laws have no boundaries and it stresses me out. Last week I can home to find that they had power-washed our patio. It was a nice thing to do but our hose is broken right now and they flooded our garage and now our walls have water damage. I just always try to remind myself that have good intentions.
I can only imagine own stressful that could be, Brittany. I have had a few issues with boundaries early in our marriage as well. Even with good intentions, it’s important that the people in your life, especially your in-laws, still have to respect your boundaries. ?
I feel so very fortunate to have married into a family that is similar to my own. We all recently went on a cruise together (me and my husband, my parents, and my in-laws). I feel so lucky that we’re able to do stuff like this and feel so comfortable with it!
That is so awesome, Divya, and you are definitely blessed to have such great relationships with your in-laws. That sound’s like a great vacation. ?
These are such great tips! It’s so important to have a great relationship with your in-laws!!
Thanks, Candice, and yes having a good relationship with the in-laws is very important. ?
Great tips!! And I really like the reminder that with conflict or and issue that you step back and let your husband handle it (when it’s his side of the family) or you be willing to handle it when it’s your side. It tends to cause more conflict a lot of times of you don’t.
Thanks, Bobbi, and you are definitely correct. Our own families tend to give us the benefit of the doubt a lot easier than they would our spouses.
Good points. I will be vacationing with my in-laws in a few weeks, and these are good things to take to heart.
Thanks, Tanya, and these are definitely things to keep in mind while on vacation. Vacationing with the in-laws can be so much fun, enjoy! ?