I remember right before getting married and for a few months into my marriage, it seemed everyone felt obligated to give us advice. People felt they needed to share the good, the bad, and the ugly about marriage from their perspective.
Some advice I have held on to and tried to always live up to, like keeping God first not only in my life but in my marriage. Some advice was just so crazy that I could tell at that moment it was not worth remembering.
Then there was that advice that I held on to until it proved to be a lie. One of the biggest lies I was told was that marriage is supposed to be 50/50. LIES!! God did not design it that way. Marriage is not supposed to be 50/50.
Yes, we each play a part in our marriage and have different roles. Husbands are called to be servant-leaders. While as wives, we are called to be helpmates. To truly be effective and prosper in those roles we cannot just give 50%, we must give 100%. When you are only giving your marriage 50%, that means that you are giving 50% to something else. No one wants to feel that your spouse is only half committed to them and their marriage.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)
This scripture holds so much truth for us in our marriages. If we are truly looking at the interests of our husbands and not at our own interest, how could we not want to give 100%? We should seek to serve each other wholeheartedly.
If I am truly honest with you, I strive to give my husband, Eric, a 100% for selfish reasons. I’ve learned after almost a decade of marriage that when I’m giving my all it inspires Eric to do the same. When he sees I’m doing all I can for our marriage and our family, he steps up as well. He will go out of his way to try to show his love and appreciation for me because he’s getting that in return.
Also, there will be seasons in your marriage where it will seem like it is not 100/100. You will feel like you are giving your all and your husband is just not, or vice versa. The reasons for this can be endless.
This is where grace and love need to be at its highest. Your husband may be giving and doing all he can at that time based on circumstances. Or he may truly not know that there are things you need from him because you have not shared those with him.
I have experienced both. Eric is very career driven and works hard to provide for our family, it’s one of the many things I love about him. However, with this drive comes some sacrifice. He does not work a typical 9-5, so there are days he does not make it home for dinner and cannot make it to all the girls’ activities.
Eric also travels for work sometimes, so there are times when he can be gone for days at a time. It may seem that I’m giving 100% and he’s not, but that could not be farther from the truth.
I have learned to not just appreciate, but admire that he does what he does not just for himself but also for me. God has blessed him with a job he loves and me the ability to stay home. Whenever I come to him with a need or want, if he cannot fulfill it himself he tries his best to provide a way to meet it. Now if that is not 100%, I don’t know what is.
Valuing someone else, namely your spouse, above yourself, does not mean you value yourself less. It means instead of being selfish, you are being selfless. Loving your husband as God has called you to, wholeheartedly. No longer believing the lie. Know that marriage is not supposed to be 50/50, but 100/100.
I’d love to hear about how you give 100% or
the worst piece of marriage advice you received in the comments!
Not married, not even close to be married but hey this post was so inspiring that I might take this advice to help the relationship with my sister 😀
This is an interesting way of putting it. It’s definitely important for two people to give as much as they can while still balancing equality in the relationship.
Giving your all to your marriage is key, Nellwyn. 💕
I think it’s all open to interpretation. When I think marriage should be 50-50, I don’t see it as each only giving 50%. I see it as both partners giving 100% and equal effort (50-50) to the relationship.
I can see your point of view, Katrina. At the end of the day giving a 100% to your marriage at all time is all that matters.?
When my husband and I got married, a pastor told us marriage could be 80/20 or 20/80 depending on the spouse. But now that I’ve been at for 20 , I can appreciate that it takes 100/100.
Congrats on 20 years of marriage, Stacie. I can understand that at times it may appear that it is only 80/20, but striving to give 100/100 regardless of how it appears should definitely be our goal.
I appreciate when people recognize this. This also shows me whose marriages are strong! Best wishes and much continued success, dear!
Ayanna,
I just read this post after reading Eric’s about Peace in a Storm. What a blessing to see God working in both of you for His glory! It can be difficult to give 100% (esp. when you feel your spouse doesn’t deserve it!) but I am then reminded that Christ gave 100% on the cross for me. And I sure didn’t deserve it! Our marriages are a perfect opportunity to practice Christlikeness. Thanks for sharing so openly with us! And thank Eric too 🙂
Thank you so much, Rebekah, for your encouragement. Sharing so openly and honestly is not always easy, but with encouragement like yours it keeps us doing what we are called to do. And you are so right. Just like sharing isn’t always easy, neither is giving 100% in our marriages. But you summed it up so perfectly, “Our marriages are a perfect opportunity to practice Christlikeness.” All I can say to that AMEN!! ??
“Valuing someone else, namely your spouse, above yourself, does not mean you value yourself less. It means instead of being selfish, you are being selfless. Loving your husband as God has called you to, wholeheartedly. No longer believing the lie. Know that marriage is not supposed to be 50/50, but 100/100.”
That is my favorite part in your post! Thank you so much for writing this.
I feel that in today’s society some can make marriage almost a battle of who is getting more or who isn’t measuring up to their end of the deal. That’s a terrible outlook on marriage.
Thank you so much for highlighting biblical marriage. Husband and wife are both to give of themselves continually, just in different ways.
So glad I came across your blog on Twitter!
Thanks so much, Renee, and I’m glad we were able to connect via Twitter. Marriage should definitely not be a battle against each other, but a battle we fight together to make our marriages better. And always use the Bible as our fist tool of battle!
Well said! For it to be successful you must work as a team, communicate and give 100% to your marriage. If more gave 100%, there probably would be less divorce.
YES to all of this! I tell everyone this. 50/50 means I am not giving my all. Thanks for speaking the truth.
I have always believed it was 100/100 in marriage. Especially after seeing my mom giving her all in marriage and not get a good percentage of that. I’m thankful that I’m married to my best friend and he leads by such an awesome example so even when I act like I forgot I remember by watching him.
I’ve haven’t had any advice since I’m not married, but this is still a good read. I believe that you need to be whole in order to be in ANY kind of relationship. There is give/take, but don’t give someone part of you. That’s not fair.
Great read, I needed this reminder, this inspiration. It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day happenings or the kids.
I’m not married but I’ve always firmly believed this. We don’t come into unions as a half a person. Your union will be 200% once your joined!
I;m not married but this info that I will keep tucked away in my mind. Thanks for sharing.
Our percentage fluctuates. I am in school so sometimes I don’t have much to give, and he takes up the slack. Other days he is beat, and I put in all I can. It is definitely a partnership with a lot of give and take. 50/50 is certainly a myth!
I love this! My hubby and I always talk about marriage being 100/100! Thanks for the encouragement!
That’s why so many marriages don’t last for a lifetime because, for them, marriage is 50/50, when you’re supposed to give all. Thanks for sharing this true. I’m sharing your post.
Ayanna, I can certainly relate to this post! 🙂 I think this is my first time stopping by your blog – coming from the By His Grace Bloggers facebook group. I like what you said about the times when you feel you are giving 100% and he is not. My husband is a minister (a church-planter, actually, which means he also works a regular job to provide for our family), and I really have to be careful about not getting a bad attitude when he is in a busy season.
Jen (Being Confident of This)
I couldn’t agree more! You have to give 100%!!! I think when there are big life changes everyone gives advice and like you said some you listen to and some you don’t…one of the things my husband and I strive to always do is “do marriage our way” and it works! Because it can cause so many problems when listening to advice instead of doing it your own way! Love the post!
I love this comment! “I’ve learned after almost a decade of marriage that when I’m giving my all it inspires Eric to do the same. When he sees I’m doing all I can for our marriage and our family, he steps up as well.” This is so inspiring. I’m not married BUT it’s definitely in my cards to be soon. So, this is definitely is some good advice. I believe we forget this at times. Thanks for sharing.
This is GREAT! I just posted something similar to this on Monday in honor of my Husband’s birthday <3 I mentioned the 100/100 mentality of marriage too! It makes being married so much easier!
I'm launching a book called, The 100% Marriage in February! You can check out the first chapter for free at bit.ly/MarriageFreebie if you want <3
Love your blog!
No marriage is not 50-50. That puts limitations and expectations on us that we can’t always live up to. Sometimes one of us is sick and we can give our share. And sometimes we feel like we have more to give. It’s a partnership, there are highs and lows and I think when we put limitations on ourselves like 50/50 it creates the potential for resentment on one side. I agree with you giving your all creates a different kind of expectation. When we see each other striving to give 100% it produces gratitude in the other and in turn we each give our 100! Great post topic!
Well said! I love thinking about how when you give 100% your spouse will strive to do the same. It’s so true! Too often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life (<– guilty) and forget to focus on marriage.
That’s marriage wisdom in a nutshell! Over the years, I am realizing the beauty of Hubby and I complementing each other in such a way that it is molding into a “Two become One” and are much stronger together for it! Thanks for sharing!
Love it. Another amazing piece!
Words of wisdom. Totally agree! Thanks for sharing 🙂
I was already nodding my head after just reading your title! We have to give it our all! Our all!
What a beautiful post. We’re at the 5 year mark and your post makes me think so much of my husband. We are at a busy season, 3 kids age 5 and under, one car, 2 jobs, and a freelancer. It definitely makes you think about all the things the other person is doing to keep it going. 100% indeed!
This is so true. I hate when people say marriage is 50/50 because that is totally the wrong way of thinking. God designed marriage to be 100/100 like you said because we don’t love others to get love in return! Thank you for this!
I love the idea of it being 100-100. I never thought of it that way, but it resonates truth. Thank you!